Emptiness

I feel alone. That’s the word. I know I have great friends and I know all of them are there for me, but I just feel alone. The feeling of having no one but myself. I can make everyone happy but I’m lacking my own happiness. I want to be the person that wakes up with a purpose in life. That purpose of living a happy life. I catch myself living a lie. Like I’m faking that smile. Deep inside I feel like crying. And I do. I cry. I cry on my own because I know no one is willing to catch my tears. No one wants to hear this nonsense. That’s what it is. Babble. No sense behind it. There’s so much to be happy for. So much to live for. So many people to live for. But I’ve been putting everyone else in front of me. I feel helpless. I feel like I have helped everyone deal with their problems, but I can never deal with mine. When it comes to facing my problems I can’t take my advice. I’m scared to. I fear the worst. Instead of taking a step forward, I keep taking two steps back every time. I have a sensation of living in someone else’s body. People can see the outside, but the inside no one can ever see and imagine the pain I’m dealing with. Broken heart, broken promises, broken goals, broken family, broken dreams, broken ME. I am living a life I don’t understand. I can’t seem to comprehend why I feel like this on a daily basis. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Never good enough for me. I guess you can call me a perfectionist. I want something to be just right. But it never is. I want to have that feeling of pride. Of having accomplished something in life. I know I’m young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes I feel like life is too short. Like if something were to happen to me today, I can’t look back and say I have done anything for myself. I always hear what a great person I am, and what an amazing friend I am, what a perfect body I have, and what a beautiful face I have. I can’t ever hear that and take it as a good compliment. I always have a negative comment to say. I look at life in such an optimistic way, but when it comes to me, I feel empty. Like I’m going to be alone forever. I want to be a somebody. I want to feel alive. I want to feel like a person. I just don’t know how..