Going through emotional changes

Life has a way of always going right or wrong. Sometimes we underestimate it but we have good reasons for it. At times for me life doesn’t always go swell. I try and swerve it but it becomes a habit. Everyday same old same, no change. That’s what we need… CHANGE!.. It’s a great thing. I need one now. Need to clean up my act and become someone I never thought I’d be. Maybe we need to get away from  our comfort zone in order to finally start living. Lets see how it all plays out. I'm putting my all to change.. hopefully it does me good.

I wanna be..

I wonder why things happen the way they do. You wake up one morning and things are completely different. People say you have control over your own life, but part of me disagrees. Part of me believes that things in life occur out of our reach. We sometimes are baffled by situations and can’t seem to put words into it. Can’t really comprehend it. I am that girl that wants to be happy. That wants to have that happy ending. I mean who doesn’t right? I have wanted to be accepted by who I am and not be judged by who I’m not. People say friends come and go but family always remains. I don’t know how to respond to that. I love my family but like the other 6 billion people in this world, I am misunderstood. I tend to be on the introvert side so my feelings are always expressed on paper. No matter what happens I’m not one to express it to other people. I don’t know how. Hence the misunderstanding, miscommunication and the judging. I really want to be the girl with a smile on her face knowing nothing is wrong. Knowing someone loves me for who I am. Knowing someone appreciates, and cares for me without any reason. Not the girl that has to wonder what I did wrong. Why life is the way it is. And why people leave for no apparent reason.I have gone through many obstacles in life, and I know there are many more to come. I just want to live life and not have any regrets. Smile and be the happy woman I know I can be. Do everything I want to do. Travel the world, love endlessly, help others and most importantly be ME..

Addiction

Sometimes the normal habitual act becomes second nature and becomes an addiction you can’t break. When nothing goes the way you plan, you figure out a way to fix it by changing the normal way you usually do things. You look for answers in places you normally wouldn’t and you realize sometimes that you’re fooling yourself by doing so. You force yourself in believing that it’s the right thing to do but in reality it isn’t. It’s definitely become an addiction at this point and to break it seems like an arduous task. One that takes more than one can understand. One can’t walk away easily and pretend it’s the easiest thing in the world. Fooling yourself is harder to deal with than trying to face the problem directly. Everything has its time and place and if you try and change that when the time isn’t right, you get tangled in a war between your mind and your heart. Your head is telling you one thing while your heart is telling you another and your heart is something you can’t change even if you try.

Emptiness

I feel alone. That’s the word. I know I have great friends and I know all of them are there for me, but I just feel alone. The feeling of having no one but myself. I can make everyone happy but I’m lacking my own happiness. I want to be the person that wakes up with a purpose in life. That purpose of living a happy life. I catch myself living a lie. Like I’m faking that smile. Deep inside I feel like crying. And I do. I cry. I cry on my own because I know no one is willing to catch my tears. No one wants to hear this nonsense. That’s what it is. Babble. No sense behind it. There’s so much to be happy for. So much to live for. So many people to live for. But I’ve been putting everyone else in front of me. I feel helpless. I feel like I have helped everyone deal with their problems, but I can never deal with mine. When it comes to facing my problems I can’t take my advice. I’m scared to. I fear the worst. Instead of taking a step forward, I keep taking two steps back every time. I have a sensation of living in someone else’s body. People can see the outside, but the inside no one can ever see and imagine the pain I’m dealing with. Broken heart, broken promises, broken goals, broken family, broken dreams, broken ME. I am living a life I don’t understand. I can’t seem to comprehend why I feel like this on a daily basis. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Never good enough for me. I guess you can call me a perfectionist. I want something to be just right. But it never is. I want to have that feeling of pride. Of having accomplished something in life. I know I’m young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes I feel like life is too short. Like if something were to happen to me today, I can’t look back and say I have done anything for myself. I always hear what a great person I am, and what an amazing friend I am, what a perfect body I have, and what a beautiful face I have. I can’t ever hear that and take it as a good compliment. I always have a negative comment to say. I look at life in such an optimistic way, but when it comes to me, I feel empty. Like I’m going to be alone forever. I want to be a somebody. I want to feel alive. I want to feel like a person. I just don’t know how..

Love is blind

Love is a mysterious feeling. It’s a feeling you can’t control. You can’t help who you fall in love with. It’s a feeling and unfortunately we don’t control ours. You can be the master of your mind, but you can’t in any way possible alter the way you control your emotions. It goes deep as in knowing how you feel but not being able to control that emotion. I am the guide of my thoughts but not my emotions. I have recently gone through a breakup and then a situation leading to what I would refer to as a second breakup. I have been keeping contact with the enemy and that contact did me no good. It in fact dug me into a deeper hole and I became a prisoner in my own thoughts. It became an addiction I couldn’t let go of. I believe everything happens for a reason and I was very hopeful that I would rekindle that love, but that in fact wasn’t the case. I have matured and grown and more importantly learned from my mistakes. I repeated that mistake various times but I wasn’t aware of the pain it was causing me and was yet to cause. I kept going day by day expecting something that was never there in the first place. I guess you can say I made up a story or a hopeful situation in my head. I was blinded by the truth and I was in fact blinded by who that person I was in love with really was. He wasn’t the person I fell in love with. He was a monster and I never saw that until recently. He finally took off his mask and I saw the real him. Everyone that warned me I paid no attention to because like they say “Love is Blind.” It definitely is. I am astounded by what has happened. I really caught myself in a lie for 9 months and when I saw the truth I was infuriated with myself and the person who caused me all this pain. There was never time to heal because that person was never out of my life. Now that he is, there are not enough words to describe the pain of heartbreak. It happens to everyone and you think it’s the end of the world. Maybe for the moment, but there are so many beautiful things and people in this world to look forward to. No one said it was easy being a human being. But as much as I try to be strong, I can’t control what I feel. I know I don't deserve this, and I know I will get through this, but I also know there's a time for everything. So for now, the pain is inevitable. I will always do my best to keep my head up and pray that this pain goes away so my heart can heal properly and in its given time. I am a great person who deserves to be treated with respect and if that person didn’t respect me, that’s not the person who should be in my life. You don’t like who I am? Then that’s your own opinion. I have learned to value myself and value who I am as a person. I have my flaws and have made my countless mistakes, but if you can’t love me at my worst then I don’t deserve to have you in my life. Wishful thinking is one thing, but reality is another. Learn to trust no one but yourself and always be strong no matter the situation. There is a solution to every problem; you just have to look for the answer. “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

Second Chance

I have come to realize that anything you put your mind to, you can achieve. Sometimes once is not enough. We sometimes need an extra push, or a second chance at certain situations in life. We are only given one life, so I think that we should have more than one chance to get things done. In all fairness I believe we make things happen. We create it. But we are only human. Sometimes we make mistakes and mistakes are always a good thing. It is a feedback. Its an experience we go through to make us stronger and it definitely makes us understand where we went wrong and how to change it. No one will fix the mistakes you have made, that's upon you. We can all agree to that. But I truly believe once we make a mistake, we should be given a second chance to fix it. Maybe not the same way, but certainly give that mistake a positive feedback. People view life different. Some of us are pessimist, some of us are optimist. But all of us have the potential to make reality come true. Believe you can and that will brighten the way.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

New Year, New Me

So what have I learned this past year? Take chances! Open up and believe anything is possible. Nobody said life was easy, they just said it would be worth your while. Now I am nobody to judge that. I know I used to be a pessimist but something within me has completely changed that train of thought. I believe now that I am the creator of my life and that things happen in my life because I attract them and not because its life. Yes its life, but I’m the one living it. The one creating it. I am the boss of my emotions. I do believe everything happens for a reason and the first step for things to occur is you making them occur. No one was brought into this world to just be ordinary. We are all extraordinary human beings and possess incredible talents. Maybe we don’t see it, but we need to start to. It’s part of life. It’s the best part of life. Once you see yourself as someone great, you will become great. Life follows your emotions and thoughts. You think positive, positive outcomes will arise. And vice versa. Being the creator of your life, allows you to make it happen. If I want a more fit body, I will tell myself I know I am fit and I know I will continue to be fit. All I have to do is work out. I can do it. I have it. I own that thought. Anything you tell yourself, the world will attract. I have had many experiences the past year where nothing went my way and I kept telling myself that. Kept implying life sucked and that nothing good was ever going to happen. Well with that train of thought nothing did. The law of attraction states just that. You wish upon it and it comes true. Negativity never got me anywhere. And this year I decided to change that. I have become an optimist. I KNOW great things are coming my way. How it’s going to get here I don’t know. But they WILL happen. Like I said, you create your life. You want it, you got it. I will venture out into this world and conquer anything I put my mind to. Anyone that tries to bring me down, I will not allow it. I am a strong-willed woman and it was about time I realized that. I have learned to value myself and to have gratitude for everything I have. Not what I don’t have. I don’t have what I don’t have because I never asked for it. I truly believe in miracles, and life is one of them. I give thanks for being put into this world and I will make the time I do have here worth it. “THE POWER WITHIN YOU IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING.”